Flight (2012)
With a thunderstorm directly along his route of fight, alcoholic, coke-snorting airline Capt. William “Whip” Whitaker (Denzel Washington), doesn’t ask ATC for a different heading or new altitude, like any actual commercial pilot would. Instead, he accelerates straight into the storm “to get through it faster”. The jet subsequently suffers a major mechanical malfunction requiring Whitaker to fly upside down before making a crash landing and somehow, miraculously saving most everyone on board. He’s initially hailed as a hero, but an investigation soon proves otherwise. Denzel is a fine actor. As the old saying in Hollywood goes, I’d pay to watch him read the phone book (assuming we still had phone books), but Flight is so fraught with technical inaccuracies, improbabilities, and flat-out insults to the professionalism of air transport pilots, that it’s impossible to suspension disbelief. In real life, Whip Whitaker wouldn’t last five minutes at any major airline before being found out and fired because of his addictions.
Top Gun Maverick (2022)
The no-CGI flying scenes are absolutely fantastic. The rest of Top Gun Maverick, not so much. The magic of the original Top Gun, which I’ve watched repeatedly over the years, is in short supply in this sequel. After about 20 minutes, I found myself looking impatiently at my watch and shaking my head at its many contrivances, the preposterousness of the all-too-predictable story, and the flagrant theft of plot devices from other blockbuster movies, including the original Top Gun. I won’t catalogue my many grievances other than to point out what may be the most preposterous scene of all, in which the Navy’s top young F-18 aviators are drinking and playing pool at a popular pilot watering hole in San Diego. When Tom Cruise’s Pete “Maverick” Mitchell violates some silly bit of drinking establishment protocol, the cocky young pilots toss him out on his butt. In the first Top Gun, Maverick shot down three enemy MiGs—the first US pilot to do so since Vietnam. In real life, in any real Navy pilot hangout, even years later, he would be instantly recognized and feted as a hero. In Top Gun Maverick, he’s wearing his leather Navy flight jacket with a name patch that identifies who he is, and he’s still treated like some over-the-hill loser. Sorry, Tom Cruise, you had me at the need for speed in the original Top Gun, but I’ve lost that lovin’ feeling for this one.
Executive Decision (1996)
The best part of this movie, in which terrorists hijack a Boeing 747 in route from Athens to Washington, D.C., is that the US Special Forces commander tasked with stopping them, played by Steven Seagal, gets killed early on, mercifully sparing us from having to watch Seagal “act” for a full two hours. Every work of fiction is a house of cards constructed on a foundation of believability. Too many cards stacked haphazardly, and the whole thing starts to fall apart. Such is the case with Executive Decision. Things begin veering wildly toward the preposterous when the commandos sneak onto the commercial jetliner in mid-flight using the “Ramora,” a fictional variant of the top-secret F-117 stealth fighter designed to latch onto other airplanes, including a 747. We’re talking, silly special effects, over-the-top bad guys, and coincidences galore. Executive Decision is, at its core, a bad imitation of Air Force One. About the only thing it’s got going for it is the hero, Dr. David Grant (Kurt Russell). Grant’s an Army intelligence analyst. When we first meet him, he’s learning to fly and clearly not very good at it. By the end of the movie, he lands that 747—a fantasy among many single-engine, general aviation pilots, including me.
On a Wing and a Prayer (2023)
Based on a true story, this movie may well be the worst film Dennis Quaid movie has ever been in—which is saying a lot considering Quaid also appeared in Jaws 3D. The set-up: On a flight from Florida to Connecticut in a chartered, twin-engine Beech King Air with his wife and daughters, businessman Doug White (Quaid) must learn to fly and land the plane (with help from an air traffic controller) after the lone pilot on board suffers a fatal heart attack. There’s a whole lotta praying throughout On a Wing and a Prayer (hence the title) before White ultimately saves himself and his family. Much of the acting, dialogue, and special effects are so lame that I found myself laughing out loud during scenes that were intended to be nail-biters. Quaid is an avid pilot in real life. One can only wonder how much he got paid to appear in this low-budget clunker.
Soul Plane (2004)
It’s Soul Train meets Airplane! Marketed as an outrageous, laugh-out-loud spoof, there isn’t a single funny line in this entire movie. The airplane in question is an airborne disco flying from LA to New York that caters to an all-Black clientele. Sexual tropes and racial stereotypes abound. You know you’re in for a rough flight when Calvin Broadus, the rap artist and marijuana enthusiast otherwise known as Snoop Dog, is your pilot in command. The running joke in Soul Plane is that smoking onboard is always allowed. Trust me, you may well require something medicinal to sit through this cinematic calamity.
Snakes on a Plane (2006)
The title tells you all you need to know. The great Samuel L. Jackson plays an FBI agent escorting a government witness on a flight from Hawaii to Los Angeles. Everything’s going great until somebody on the plane unleashes a crateful of venomous snakes in an attempt to permanently silence said witness before he can testify at trial. Snakes on a Plane is so completely schlocky, it’s been elevated in some circles to a cult classic. Horror movie contrivances abound. It’s violent, it’s grotesque, and the plot is inarguably ridiculous. But, hey, it is what it is–the embodiment of truth in advertising. The only thing that makes this film worth watching is when all seems lost and Sam Jackson utters the immortal line: “I’ve had it with these motherf**king snakes on this mother**king plane.” Now, that’s good writing.
Iron Eagle (1986)
This film feels like it was written by a high school kid after watching way too many video games. The plot centers on Doug Masters (Jason Gedrick), a teenage private pilot whose father, an Air Force fighter jock, has been shot down in the Middle East and is being held prisoner. Relying on sheer grit and a disturbing lack of adult supervision, Masters sets off to rescue his father by enlisting the help of decorated Air Force Col. Charles “Chappy” Sinclair (Louis Gossett, Jr.). Chappie, whose name was clearly inspired by Daniel “Chappie” James, Jr., the U.S. Air Force’s first Black four-star general, seems to have mastered the art of yelling motivational slogans while teaching Doug how to fly a jet fighter. Then off they go, stealing two Air Force F-16s, to save Doug’s dad. The dialogue is a goldmine of unintentional hilarity (‘You’re not a kid anymore, Doug. You’re a pilot!”), as are the aerial combat sequences, with jets executing maneuvers that defy every known rule of aerodynamics. Iron Eagle is a charmingly ludicrous movie that proves the sky and entertainment do indeed have their limits.
Iron Eagle II (1988)
In the realm of sequels that should have been left on the cutting room floor, Iron Eagle II soars high. The plot is a mashup of outdated, Cold War-era tropes that collectively feel less like an action movie and more like a bad PowerPoint presentation. The film centers once again on (now) Brigadier Gen. Chappy Sinclair (Louis Gossett Jr.), as he leads a group of misfit pilots tasked with blowing up—you guessed it—a heavily defended Middle Eastern weapons plant. The aerial dogfights are about as realistic as a paper airplane competition. Much of the dialogue is a masterclass in unintended comedy. With a deafening, high-octane soundtrack that blasts through the film like a DJ suffering hearing loss, Iron Eagle II is a quirky cocktail of flag-waving patriotism and cringe-worthy one-liners that left me asking, “Who in their right mind gave this production a green light?”
Flyboys (2006)
Intended as an homage to World War I aviators, Flyboys feels less like a war movie than a romanticized melodrama with a big wedge of cheese on the side. The characters are so archetypical, they might as all be wearing name tags, from “Token Love Interest” to “Rugged Hero” to “Plucky Comic Relief.” The camaraderie among the pilots feels forced, as if the actors are trying to convince the audience they’ve all been buddies since grade school. If you love bad dialogue, you’ll love this movie. Among my favorite lines: “I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of not living!” (sort of the same thing, but whatever); “I’ll see you in the sky” (you know this actor is absolutely gonna die before the end of the first act); and, “I want to be a part of something bigger than myself” (see previous reference to cheese). Flyboys is not without some thrilling aerial cinematography, but if you’re into historical accuracy, as I am, good luck.
Airport (1970)
This snooze-fest of a disaster film, starring Burt Lancaster and Dean Martin, is about an airport manager (Lancaster) trying to keep his big city airport open during a raging blizzard, while a suicide bomber plots to blow up an inbound Boeing 707. There are more crises and subplots at work here than on a QAnon website. It’s difficult to keep track of them all at times as the movie bounces from one to the next and back again. The bomb threat is overshadowed by a romantic triangle so sleep-inducing, it makes standing in a TSA line exciting by comparison. One can only imagine how much fun another group of filmmakers had a decade later in parodying this plodding melodrama to produce the brilliant slapstick comedy, Airplane!